Procrastination gives birth to my best thoughts.
One of the biggest burdens in my life are expectations. In my experience, people often have the highest of high or lowest of low expectations of me. Have they never heard of balance? No, I'm not the perfect person some expect me to be, but I not the evil, vindictive bitch others think I am. I will admit, both of those people live inside of me, but not individually. They combine (along with several other traits) and create a very unique, one-of-a-kind person. I cannot be defined as any one type of person and I hate when people try.
I think the high expectations suck the most. Though I tell people over and over what they should realistically expect from me, they tend to only see the best. Sometimes that's a good thing. I get lots of compliments and they tell me that that's all they expected of me and it feels nice at the time. But it begins to suck when I don't live up to their perfect standards and suddenly their world no longer makes sense because I didn't fit into their idea of who I am. Just because I don't do what you wanted or expected doesn't suddenly mean that I'm not the person you thought I was. I'm just not that person all of the time.
The low expectations are more like a nagging irritation than a true annoyance. I know there are times when I do not act like upstanding, child of God I am (royalty ^.^), but I'm not going to screw you over the second I get a chance. In fact, I try very hard to make sure that that doesn't happen. It takes a lot for me to get to the point of plotting your destruction, and even more for me to consider executing it. If you mess up s badly that I get to that point, I still do everything in my power to stop myself. So please, have a little faith in me.
All in all, I feel that people like extremes a little too much. You have to be this or that, black or white. No one person is 100% anything, and honestly, who are you to judge anyway?
The End
Hey girl!
ReplyDeleteOkie dokie. Lots to say here. So I completely agree with the two sides part. I can equally relate: people either think I'm "Holier than Thou" or a complete "Bitch", which is not true. I have many sides of me, just like everyone else and its only those who are really close to me who know the REAL me. I can be those 2 people and many more, if others would be open to getting to really know me, and not judging me by my reactions to a few situations.
Also, with the high and low expectations part. I mostly get the high expectations from my family, which is more of a stressor than any other personn could put on me. (Or my professors as well) I want to be the most perfect person (which I know can't be attained) for my parents, so they can be proud of me. But, I never really stop to think that they already are. I keep pushing and pushing to make sure that they know that I AM the best child they will ever have. (Seeing as though I am an only child.) Like example, I just failed one of my biology exams recently, and my dad said something like "That's not like you." Now, right there, its him EXPECTING me to be absolutely perfect and get the perfect grades, when that is not the case all of the time. (This comment is long as hell LOL)
And low expectations. Those mostly come from my friends. They expect me to be the "bitch" all the time, never taking into account, "Yes, I do have feelings like the rest of you." Probably moreso. I'm just extremely sensitive to EVERYTHING and so when you make a ignorant or nasty comment, I react on an extreme level. I try to work on it, but I've conditioned myself to behave like that because I don't want to get my feelings hurt when I let my guards down for people. I constantly get (especially from Donivan when I see him) "Your so much nicer now." I've always been this way. Its just your so stuck in seeing me in one light that you can't fathom that I actually have more sides than just the "bitch" or the "perfect little girl."
All in all, I completely get where your coming from on this one.